Review: Texas Chainsaw 3D (2013)

I have no words to describe what I just watched.  This film was so damned generic I wanted to puke.  This was the second time I have ever seen Texas Chainsaw 3D and it didn’t get any better.  I heard when the original film came out in 1974 it did make people puke, for different reasons.  This was terrible and the worst of all entries in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre series.  Whoa, whoa, whoa…I take that back, Texas Chainsaw Massacre: the Next Generation was so bad.  How do I even review this garbage.  Evil wears many faces, are you shitting me?  Come on, everything about this is just awful, let me explain.

I want to go ahead and remind everyone of my other reviews on the Texas Chainsaw Massacre series, to this point anyway.

The Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2 (1986)

Leatherface: Texas Chainsaw Massacre III (1990)

Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation (1994)

This film begins with a recap of the original film and then picks up right where the original left off.  I thought this was ballsy, considering there already is a sequel and I had a feeling it was going to shit all over the original and it did.  So the sheriff comes and tries to get the Sawyers to give themselves up, they do but the hillbilly’s of the town gang up and burn the house to the ground.  The film then picks up years later where a young 20 something girl finds she is somehow related to the Sawyers and is left the estate.  So road trip time, the go to Texas and wackiness ensues.

Ok let us first address the characters, Heather is the lead played by Alexandra Daddario, she was tolerable, but her friends, I am not even going to name them because who cares. Although, Scott Eastwood is in this and he is not a bad actor. All terrible actors pulled from the shit bin of Hollywood.  Then you have to deal with the timeline, if the original takes place in 1974 and due to a headstone reading 2012 am I to believe the girl, Heather is 39 years old?  Am I to believe the Mayor and Sheriff of this town are still in office?  So it has been 39 years, the Mayor and Sheriff are clearly in their 40’s to 50’s, so what in the hell.  So Heather is 39 and looks great for her age I guess.  Yep that is a picture of her.  Oh my, I almost forgot, Leatherface is wearing a really nice, kind of maroonish dress shirt, COME ON!  He reminded me of some kind of over-sized teenager going to his first Junior High School dance.

texas-chainsaw-3d

Let me get past that and on to the fact that they make, oh wait, SPOILER ALERT!  They make the towns folks the villains and Leatherface almost the hero?  What in the hell is wrong with this film.  It should not been made.  The kills, the story and the characters all generic.  This was a piece of crap and I warn everyone who hasn’t seen this to stay away from it.  If you want to watch a sequel from the original, check out what I am watching tomorrow, Texas Chainsaw Massacre 2, it does kill the timeline a little, but more fun and it is messed up.

This is what I would do if I made a direct sequel to the original film, I would have kept part 2 in the continuity and showed what happened between the original and part 2, how did they end up in the abandoned carnival ground?  That would have been more interested, also why didn’t they just make this a sequel to the Jessica Beil shit fest?  They made a prequel that wasn’t too bad, why shit on the original.  Really, they should have made this a sequel to the newer movies and left the original alone.  I don’t understand this trend.

I want to apologize for the amount of times I used the word shit, that is the single word to describe everything this film is, sorry.  Tomorrow will be better.

Texas Chainsaw 3D - Alexandra Daddario

I hold The Texas Chainsaw Massacre close to my heart, not to mention the sequel and the third movie, Leatherface.  But everything beyond Leatherface, the movies have not been great.  The only movie of the bunch that I could stomach is The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: the Beginning.

There is hope for the future…right?  Well, a movie called “Leatherface” is supposed to be coming this year.  It has been filmed and supposed to be released in 2016.  It is supposed to bridge the gap between the Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Texas Chainsaw 3D.  I have zero expectations for this one.

IMDB.com rates it at 4.8, that is about right.

I rate Texas Chainsaw at 4.8 as well.  Terrible, but kinda watchable.

 

About Ray Marek III 261 Articles
I am a lifelong horror fan. I have written for a few web sites, Kung-Fu Comrades, Nightfall Unlimited and Rage of Rayzor. Freddy's Revenge was the first Horror Film I watched, I was 5. When my mom found out I liked horror films, she began challenging me. Soon to follow were the likes of The Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Dawn of the Dead. Horror is in my blood, I want to share that with you...my blood...horror. I write unpublished comics. Lifelong dream is to write comics for a major comic book publisher or build my own comic book company.