Another week of DOA Reviews, and the hunt for more unmarked graves continues, many of these films forgotten immediately upon release and others destine for the tag of abominations, in either case rotten to the core and unable of rescue. But Why – what occurs in the movie to make that happen, well this week it is another Wild Eye Releasing film (if not mistaken the third one in this new column) it is none other than, Raiders of the Lost Shark from director Scott Patrick, known for Blood Red Moon (2010). Obviously, it contains a play on words to the very good Steven Spielberg film Raiders of the Lost Ark (1981), but it is not a parody, in fact, it does not carry the sweat of work that a film delivers. The script, if you can use the word extremely loosely, comes from David A. Lloyd, Trevor Payer and Brett Kelly the director of Jurassic Shark, which Payer also assisted in writing. The total runtime of this regrettable movie, 71-minutes and actually it tallies 60-minutes, minus the credits, and sadly can’t be qualified as entertainment, though it might find a place for torturing criminals, it’s that bad! Therefore, since I have spent the time to watch this movie rot my brain, you now can escape the wretchedness and pursue a quality life. However, not convinced yet? I’ll prove it, as you, the viewers, will not have any story to follow, over-the-top performance, horrendous acting, complete continuity failure, and atrocious special effects, though Birdemic 2 still wins the lifetime honors.
One must first start with the artwork for Raiders at first glance it has the wicked flair of b-movie exploits of action and horror, however sadly none of it appears in the movie. No sea plane, waverunner, or water-ski, forget about the helicopters, that shark is definitely not the movie, and neither is the eye-candy women, dynamite technically include though to due cutbacks never lit and very silly looking. It becomes a bait and switch, a trick played onto the horror fans, and it the cruelest manners, rather than misleading, just display a modest cover, a shark fin breaking the surface of the water and woman swimming. The budget of this movie, $350,000 one could’ve included all of these elements and more, sadly everything feels cheap as the movie progresses at a quickened pace of agony.
Horror fans are more than familiar with the wave’s shark-cinema, a feeding frenzy of chum filled waters of grade b, c and z movies, some with comedic moments and complete scripts, and this once more does not exist in this movie. Well after the heyday of the Jaws (1975) and the franchise, market drenched itself shark flicks at the start of 2010 with The Reef (2010); Shark Night 3D (2011), Shark Week (2012), Bait (2012), 90210 Shark Attack (2014), and Shark Lake (2015). Lately biggest draw Sharknado franchise popular of the SyFy channel, with part 5 schedule for 2017 release. All of these predator films rank higher than this lame expenditure of time wasted by this review along with brain damage.
Ah, where to begin, first allow me to stress again, there is no plot, several different storylines and a slew of continuity errors, we have an early moment of T&A and a couple killed in the first 10-minutes. Then introduce a classroom with Professor Carly Reynolds (Candice Lidstone) and her four students, discussing ancient predators. This cuts to a forced shock scene, with the professor walking by some lockers clearly showing her throwing a blank notepad on the floor in front herself, while (shockingly – yeah right) her adversary CEO Janet of a Big Business (Catherine Mary Clark). From here the audience learns of a recent discovery of a prehistoric shark unearthed from a sealed cave by oil drilling, in a lake, though creatively enough kill Prof’ sister Rita (Kim Valentine) years earlier, here the movie borrows from Attack of the Jurassic Shark (2012). Don’t worry if you miss this plot point, it’ll change later in the movie to a new one. REALLY!
Carly joins forces with Janet, and they head off the corporate hellhole, the security and IT room look beyond comical, and all headed by Rodney (Kelley Oliver) who utters one actual word ‘island’ and many “ums, a, eh, mmm, uh” while operating from laptops, one which is off at the time.
Meanwhile the shark keeps busy munching in whole bites people in both shallow water and flying through the air sometimes by the shoreline and over land, no kidding. Now, searching for the redeeming qualities but found the worst acting and screaming ever witness (at 40.35) in a movie performed by Tanisha Valcin as her boyfriend, character name Muscle Man (Duncan Milloy) eaten by the flying shark. This sets a new benchmark likely very difficult to ever overcome, and assisted by the tilting of the horizon shot behind her, (filmmakers make sure to invest in a tripod, it’ll help).
Reynolds’ students head to an isolated island and lake (except it is well populated with other boats) along the way they bump into the shark, while they all fall into the water, May (Jessica Huether) stays on her cellphone and talks with her professor, and swims to the shore. Early mentioned about the continuity gaffes this becomes the best one yet, May awakens to use her cell phone (clearly off) and then has her glasses (though not on in the water) , strolls through woods barefoot, later has a leather jacket thrown at her by Dr. Howell (Richard Groen), which fits perfectly. One might become curious why a phone exists in the woods on the dear doctor’s private island along with dog sign? Never mind – forget it. Near the end of the movie, she’s wearing socks and sneakers all of this happening outside and no one thinking clearly about this lengthy set of errors. It is here the viewers learn about the second plot, the genetically engineered shark created by the mad doctor, so forget about the cave dwelling shark, this one flies.
A hard cut to Lawrence Evenchick giving a ludicrous performance of a Sheriff, who’s office resembles nothing like a police station, who enjoys sleeping on the desk and sometimes without pants on, why knows or cares. Fret not when it comes time to investigate he discovers the body parts missing from a Spirit Halloween store leftover from the shark, with his deputy John Migliore accompany.
Big Spoiler alert, the Professor and May use an unlit grouping of dynamite to throw into the sky reaching the clouds of a descending rocketing downward shark facing left of the screen only to blow it up as it crosses the screen horizontal to the right.
The film’s absurdity never saves the movie, the script clearly became lost during the production, nothing makes any sense, no tension or shock, just confusion, and terrible acting. An incredibly boring and thankfully short movie, a crew list just three people, and the only practical effect comes as gooey blood on the deputy’s head. There’s no cinematography, only camera work, barely avoid the shaky cam, but nails the pitiful framing, out focus, too much on the close-ups, bad colorization, poor editing, otherwise just fine. The annoying special effects in the form of a CGI shark look uglier than a lime green suit wore to an Elvis wedding chapel.
Beyond the wooden performances, and outlandish sequences of nothing less, and continuous mistakes, lies a question is it really movie? Unsure though it includes music from a band actually called Fatal Mistake, I could give cheesy remarks but why when I attached their song ‘Rid of you” – do they mean the movie?
IMDb rating: 1.7/10
DOA Rating: 1.5/10
Movie Trailer (The opening words not reference in the movie):
Fatal Mistake “Rid of You” Music: