Lovers Lane (1999): Deep Cuts #16

I remember sitting in my dorm room popping in the used VHS copy of Lovers Lane that I had just bought from Blockbuster and falling for the cute young actress that starred in it. Of course, that actress was Anna Faris, in her big screen debut a full year before Scary Movie, and it might be simply because of her, but I remember thoroughly loving the movie. It fell right in there with those post-Scream 90s teen horror films that were everywhere at the time, and I was buying in with all my chips. At 45, with 23 more years of horror films under my belt, will I feel the same? 

Synopsis: 

A man who committed a series of murders thirteen years ago begins to hunt down his victims’ children. 

IMDb: 4.1 

Rotten Tomatoes: N/A  

Tagline: Don’t get hooked. 

AKA: I’m Still Waiting for You 

Interesting tidbit: The school they originally were to shoot the film at backed out at the last minute, not feeling the subject matter was appropriate considering there was just a real-life triple murder of some students.  

“Lover’s Lame,” as it has become so affectionately known as, was released on Arrow Special Edition Blu-ray earlier in 2023, and once I found it used for a good price, I snatched it up. My old VHS copy may still be in good shape, but considering I no longer own a VCR, and a new one goes for crazy stupid money on Amazon, I decided it was time for an upgrade. 

Lovers Lane reminds me very much of Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Next Generation. A total shit of a movie, but only was seen and or cared about due to Matty Mac and R-Zel’s early performances. I saw Lovers Lane when it came out because I was a horror junkie and loved buying used movies, but anybody in 2023 will be watching it to see Anna Faris. She’s the memorable character from the movie, but that’s not saying much. She looks incredibly young here (she was 23), and dare I say very, and I mean very, pale.  

One of the other actors looks like eyebrows on fleek and makeup aplenty Adam Lambert, while another actress reminded me of a sluttier Jennifer Lawrence. Yet neither of those people are in the movie, FYI.  

The kills are mostly off screen, and the blood is pretty tame. The story feels like there should be more meat on the bone, but it’s fairly one dimensional and lackluster. I kept waiting for some kind of twist or revelation, but when it came, it was disappointing and obvious. 

Without the first pouty appearance of Anna, I can’t see Arrow re-releasing this film for any reason. It’s very amateurish, feeling like one of those regional horror films from the 80s, perhaps a decade too late to cash in on the slasher craze. From the performances, to the editing, to the direction, it just screams amateur hour. With the teen-centric scenes, it wants to be Scream, but it ends up being more of a Mutilator. Except Mutilator was scary, gory, and suspenseful. 

If you want to watch a 90s hook-hand killer targeting a bunch of teens with a great soundtrack, watch I Know What You Did Last Summer. If you’re in the mood for a low budget 80s amateur rip off, watch “Lovers Lame”. 

5.0/10 Stab Wounds 

About RetRo(n) 54 Articles
I like the 80s, slasher films, Italian directors, Evil Ed, Trash and Nancy, Ripley and Private First Class Hudson, retro crap but not SyFy crap, old school skin, Freddy and Savini, Spinell and Coscarelli, Andre Toulon, and last, but not least, Linda Blair.