
I’m such a fan of Full Moon/Empire, that I have decided to go back into the vaults and watch some of the films that I either missed when they came out, or ones that I saw so long ago, that my teenage self just didn’t store away in my memory banks very well. I picked out 3 films that are tied to one another through their themes of creature feature flicks. Two Empire International Pictures and one Full Moon Entertainment Series Production are on the menu here for this edition. Two of these films are directed by gay porn directors, but which ones?
Creepozoids (1987)
Synopsis:
A group of survivors try to avoid the battles of World War III. When they try to escape to the quiet lands, they encounter something much more deadly.
IMDb: 4.0
Rotten Tomatoes: 16%
Tagline: Aliens, more over…here come the creepozoids.
Long time Full Moon collaborator and gay erotic film director David DeCoteau led the production of Creepozoids, just his second theatrical film. It was filmed in the abandoned studio of a Hustler photographer for just $150,000 in 15 days. The film would get remade by Fred Olen Ray in 1997 as Hybrid, and would star scream queen, Brinke Stevens.
Stars Linnea Quigley and Kim McKamy star in the film. McKamy felt uncomfortable with all the nudity in the film, so she took the “Kate” role while Linnea took the “Blanca” role. Of course, shortly after this film, Kim McKamy became pornographic actress Ashlyn Gere, and seemingly had no problem with on screen nudity.
Linnea spends all of 15 minutes “acting” before she gets naked and has her first nude scene. Her dirty face is not all that sexy to look at, but luckily, she takes a shower with some dude and gets sparkly clean. That fixes the problem in the most logical way. Apparently, she was to have more nude scenes and get impregnated by the alien, but for some reason, that seemed illogical, and they scrapped the idea. Honestly, Linnea really is better as a supporting actress, since her range is basically screaming girl about to get killed to dirty naked girl who’s down to bone anyone.
The film basically is a one location set piece, with bottom of the barrel acting, barely skirting by its 71-minute runtime with excessive scenes of bra-less women with perky nipples. Some of the practical effects are good, including the Alien-esque dinner table scene. But for every good effect, there is a bad creature one right around the corner, including a giant rat that looks like a cute cuddly Squishmallow gone rogue. And the sound effects are terrible. The creature’s growls sound like someone annoyingly trying to get the waitress’s attention by drinking an empty glass of milk through a straw.
There are also scenes of an approaching storm, and the quality doesn’t match the rest of the film, which leads me to believe it’s stock footage. I just wonder why this odd decision was made? It seriously looks like it came from a colorized version of Dracula (1931).
Sidebar: If you’re old enough to … ahem… remember Ashlyn Gere’s body of work, if you want to feel ancient, she’s 64 years old now.
And I totally love their foresight into the future. I mean, who would have imagined that in the future they would still be using MS-DOS, dot matrix printers and 8-inch floppy disks? Apparently, they only have one type of gun in the future as well, and it’s some kind of pistol Uzi laser thing, since every person seemingly carries one. Unfortunately, it looks more like a plastic water gun.
It’s honestly not that great or even any fun. It’s a poorly made trashy plotless and joyless B-Movie. The synopsis should read: A group of himbos and bimbos wish they were in Alien.
3.5/10 Stab Wounds
Mutant Hunt (1987)
Synopsis:
Z, a vicious genetic scientist, discovers a way to alter harmless humanoid androids called ‘Cyborgs’ into becoming killing machines, which he plans to use for his own gain.
IMDb: 3.6
Rotten Tomatoes: 15%
Tagline: New York: The 21st Century. It’s Open Season on Cyborgs.
Tim Kincaid directed Mutant Hunt, one of only 7 or so non-pornographic films compared to his 81 overall directorial credits. Oftentimes, in his mainstream films, he would feature characters who were “gay identified” or bisexual, and they always had a “Joe Gage face.” Gage is Kincaid’s gay porn alias, and he would oftentimes select men that were overtly handsome, or evoking a certain look, to star in his films.
I almost bought this a little bit ago, as it came out on boutique Blu-Ray special edition from Vinegar Syndrome, and I’ve got to say, I’m glad I didn’t. Maybe I would have enjoyed it more had I not seen the horrid transfer on Tubi, complete with cigarette burns, dust and debris, but beggars can’t be choosers when you see something for free. I might have been pissed if I had spent 30 bucks to see this.
But yeah. Its use of minimal locations is laughable. It’s got uninspired acting, including dead guys who die with their mouths open like they’re screaming. It’s got awful-looking futuristic costumes that are right out of the 80s. One of the scientists looks like he is right off the set of Miami Vice. And these observations are all within the first 5 minutes of watching the film!
I am a pretty open-minded guy, but there are beefcake dudes running around in tighty whities with rather large packages and tight bottoms, wrestling on a bed, and despite this being one of this guy’s mainstream films, if you look for it, there are definitely homoerotic elements. In the strip club scene, the director pans to the guys in the crowd more than the dancer on stage, focusing on two guys that look like Village People rejects with their arms around each other.
The stunts are terrible. The action is lame. I can’t stress how these dudes are picked for their look over their acting ability, hence the fact that none of them have a Wikipedia page. The plot is unintelligible. It’s not fun in any way, shape, or form.
*Half of a stab wound deducted for making me look up how to properly spell tighty whities.
1.0/10 Stab Wounds
Seedpeople (1992)
Synopsis:
The citizens of Comet Valley are being taken over by seeds from an alien plant that has taken root there. A sheriff investigates the strange goings-on.
IMDb: 4.3
Rotten Tomatoes: 12%
Tagline: The root of all evil…
Peter Manoogian may not be a household name, for he mostly is a second unit or assistant director, but when it comes to Full Moon/Empire, he has a storied directing career. Not only is he responsible for Seedpeople, but also a segment in Dungeonmaster, Arena, Demonic Toys, and several of the “clip” movies from the company as well, including DevilDolls, the Bunker of Blood series, and the Carnage Collection series.
Immediately, we get bombarded with that full symphony theme music that we have come to love and expect from the Golden Age of Full Moon Entertainment Series. I just miss this time period and yearn for someone to get it right again and make movies like this.
Now this is a fun little creature feature. Characters you can like. Acting you can get behind. Effects that are decent for what was a limited budget, I’m sure. Music that fits and expresses emotion that you can feel. A story that, while not entirely original, is classic and reminiscent of Invasion of the Body Snatchers.
It has that feel of a Critters, Ticks, Skeeter, or Leprechaun, albeit on a smaller scale. I’ve said it before, but it makes a difference when you have a professional director, and it really shows in charming little films like this. You CAN stretch a limited budget and make a great film. Ambition and ingenuity will find a way. Good writing conquers all.