I’m a sucker for movies that feature a fog that kills people. Movies like The Fog, The Mist, these are all classics in their own right. So, how can I pass out a new take on the genre? Of course, the movie is so hot off the press from Kickstarter, released on October 20, there isn’t one single review on either of the big two review sites.
Synopsis:
A mysterious fog forces a group of friends to take cover before it’s too late. Once trapped inside, they’ll soon find out it’s already too late.
IMDb: N/A
Rotten Tomatoes: N/A
I made the mistake of ordering Kill Her Goats (same director, ironically) back when it was in its infancy, and I slogged thru that film, which was essentially girls taking turns showering and then putting on and off their pajamas for 2/3 of the movie or roughly one hour of the runtime. I’m not one for complaining about nudity, but there must be some sort of plot.
This film is not starting off promising because two schoolgirls are in a public restaurant in outfits so slutty, they’re showing off their boobs, stomach, and entire butt all in one shot, bending over at every chance they get.
They’re supposedly teens in the city of West Craven (get it?) but they’re totally in their late 20s and obsessed with sex. One guy looks like 90s era Scott Stapp from Creed, and he gets shot by a six-shot pistol that fires like 20 times. And one girl changes from slutty Britney Spears “Baby One More Time” era short skirt to Daisy Duke shorts so short that you could totally see what she had for lunch.
The first quotable line that makes me regret choosing this film occurs about 13 minutes in when one of the girls utters the classic line, “Better late than pregnant.” Then while one girl is getting a jumpstart doggystyle, her boobs pressed against the window, the guy says from behind mid-hump, “I really like you a lot. So much.” It’s really a touching moment between a man and a woman.
Once the fog begins to roll in and sirens go off, everyone gets scared and one of them begins crying, because fog is incredibly frightening. The first time I saw fog, I cried like a baby for days, didn’t you?
“We don’t even know where to go,” says forgettable half-naked woman with her ass hanging out #1. “That didn’t stop the pilgrims,” stated generic sex-crazed teenager played by a guy that’s 30 #2. I might just skip the review and quote some of the best lines of the movie. Because there are some doozies, let me tell you.
One girl in the baby skirt is sitting in the windowsill with her legs up and I swear that if I paused the movie, I could see both sets of lips at once!
“We’re trapped,” says forgettable half-naked woman with her ass hanging out #1, with yet another quotable line. “Well, let’s get back inside and get really, really, trashed, shall we?” says totally terribly moronic horny drunken teen played by a 30-year-old #1.
This is awful. Like, scrape the bottom of the barrel. The bottom of the barrel would be embarrassed at the thought of being compared to this film. Frat boys or overly horny young teens would love this movie. But anyone who considers themselves an adult should be ashamed for watching this. And yes, the teens continue to have sex and get naked when the fog machine goes into overdrive and surrounds the sex mansion.
I will leave you with one more quote:
“Oh honey, if people only did great ideas, your parents would have used a condom, and my uncle wouldn’t have bought this fucking house and none of us would be here right now,” says half-naked teen played by what has to be a porn star wearing daisy dukes so short you can see what she had for lunch #1.
