The Bell Keeper (2023): Fresh Meat #31

The first thing I noticed when this scrolled across my recommended list was the name Randy Couture. Yes, the now 60-year-old former multi-division UFC champion, MMA legend himself. He receives top billing, of course, but considering the synopsis talks about a group of friends, unless it’s a retirement home getaway, I figure he’s barely in it. Which is fine by me, considering his greatest acting achievement is The Expendables. 

Synopsis: 

Follows a group of friends who travel to a secluded campsite to film a documentary. What they find is something much more sinister than they could have ever imagined. 

IMDb: 4.3 

Rotten Tomatoes: N/A 

As well as Mr. MMA himself, Chaz Bono “acts” in a minor role, along with Valek from The Nun, Bonnie Aarons, in what amounts to a cameo. Plus, this appears to be released by Redbox? Get ready, folks, this might be a doozie. 

Secretly, I kind of hoped this might be a found footage film, since I absolutely love them in all their terrible-ness, but the film lets me know right away that it isn’t when an axe wielding 18th century wardrobe wearing murdering machine MMA powerhouse goes slicing and dicing up some young adults. “You rang the bell,” he yelled, with all his Greco-Roman wrestling persona acting chops. 

Surprisingly, there was some money thrown at this film. It looks good, and I continually say that when I’m watching these bad films lately. Do B-movies not look like awful terrible shit nowadays? When did I fall asleep and wake up to good quality shit films? But there’s drone shots, decent acting, good special effects, it looks like it could be a professional film. I mean, there’s no style or flair, and the composition of shots can be questionable at times, but it’s competent.  

Plus, it’s one minute over the 90-minute threshold, which typically distinguishes between good and bad films. Less than 90, you get those decent ideas that have been expanded to feature length but are well past their worth and way too long. Over 90, and you get someone who cares about their film.  

I’m unsure of the ages of the main characters. They talk about asses, make constant dick jokes and reference fluffing, all while using phrases like “I’m really wrecked,” after smoking weed, and racing tiny little electric cars in their RV. You would think they’re like late teens by their behavior, but they look like they could totally be in their late 20s/early 30s. 

As the movie goes on, the group of friends annoy me more and more and I am eagerly awaiting their demise. Go get ‘em, Randy! Give them the Tito Ortiz ass spank they deserve! 

The group ends up turning into some kind of demons due to hearing the ringing bell and the Giant Killer himself is a ……. good guy? Wait, what? This is an interesting twist, one that happens well before the 55-minute mark, so it’s not a spoiler. I must admit, this was kind of a formulaic dumbfest until this point, and this kind of changes everything. Suddenly, the remaining characters start getting more defined, gaining some *gasp* personality and backstory. They aren’t annoying! I sympathize with them. I want them to survive!  

It gets a little overly complicated toward the end with lots of excess dialogue from Randall explaining the whole curse thing, which really exposes his sketchy acting skills. 

Stick with this one. It’s worth the rollercoaster ride of shittiness. The shit comes out, drops in the toilet, but THE TOILET FLUSHES and the air freshener kicks in and there’s a wonderful smell in the bathroom again! Breathe it in. I enjoy the citrus. You might, too.  

6.0/10 Stab Wounds 

 

About RetRo(n) 84 Articles
I like the 80s, slasher films, Italian directors, Evil Ed, Trash and Nancy, Ripley and Private First Class Hudson, retro crap but not SyFy crap, old school skin, Freddy and Savini, Spinell and Coscarelli, Andre Toulon, and last, but not least, Linda Blair.